A Year’s Worth of Tears

“You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.
You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost.
For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.” –Psalms 56:8

Who would have known that tears can last a year?  Who would have known that tears are never ending? When you feel as though your tear ducts are done and can’t give any more tears – the flood gates open up and you find yourself in a pool of tears all over again. You find yourself thirsty but yet without a desire to drink water. You find yourself tired because your crying has purely exhausted you. This has been me since April 2, 2017! I have never cried so much in my entire life – 365 days of tears. A memory, a smell, a sound, a gesture from one of the kids, a text message, a song, anything literally can trigger the flood gates of tears to be opened in my life. I have never seen my eye lids so sensitive and yet puffy and swollen from the tears that have just become a part of my day! There is not cover-up that can mask the agony or pain or evidence of tears in my life. Though I may try, it still is all washed away buy the streams of rivers that flow down my face. I wonder, will this stop? Will there be a day where I do not cry? That is the hope I look forward to seeing but for right now is not a reality. The tears still remain and I believe will remain for years as I think about the BEST person that walked into my life on a warm day in April and unwillingly left my life 15 years later on a warm sunny day in April.

I preached on Sunday morning during our powerful Resurrection Sunday service about the grave and how many times we find ourselves in a grave. Life circumstances bring us to a grave one way or another but the question is are you will to live amongst the dead through your storm? There needs to be a decision that needs to be made and with the help of Holy Spirit we can certainly make that decision. We just need to be willing. I believe that having Jesus in my heart as my Lord and Savior changes so much of whether I stay in the grave or not. Having Jesus in my life shows me that I am not alone in this journey, even though it feels so lonely without my husband, He (Jesus) shows me I AM NOT ALONE.

Jesus went to the tomb of Lazarus and called the dead out and defeated death. Then he was in his own tomb and again defeated death yet again this time it was different, this time it was for our eternal life in heaven. The battle is ours – we just need to be willing to fight through this. Yesterday He (Jesus) stood at my grave and said Cristina – it’s time to come out. Don’t fall back into the place that you faced a year ago. A place of the suddenly. A place of change, hopelessness, unbelief, a place of why me, pain, sorrow, depression, brokenness. A place where I pray no one else will ever have to encounter.

He came to resurrect me – not watch me bury myself in fear, sadness, and hopelessness. He came to resurrect life and hope! Faith and Love! For that I am grateful and I can say I decide to come out of my grave! In all my brokenness, he truly is my healer. Not another man or any other monetary materialistic item, or a sheer moment of happiness. HE (Jesus Christ) is my healer!

 “and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4