Today marks the fifth year mark of life being so drastically different. It has been such an interesting journey up until this point.  

I have had so many great moments and so many challenging ones and I know that I was only able to get through the challenging ones with the help of Jesus and be okay to enjoy the good ones with the help of Jesus. I don’t know if that makes sense but to me it’s such a deep statement. 

My family and loved ones have been such great support systems even when they themselves were not sure how to manage the situation. Who ever expects to walk through an experience like this so young? They don’t teach it in Sunday bible school or in Grammar school. How can you even start to know what to do or how to help, what to say and what not to say. They are doing the best they can and I am grateful. 

This year just feels so different from the others. Leading up to today my heart has just been in such a sensitive place.  I have experienced so many triggers these last 2-3 weeks than I normally do. Yes I still have trigger moments, yes I still weep, yes I still miss him dearly!

I can still see and hear all the expressions and emotions from so many! I remember them as clear as yesterday! The phone calls I had to make on 4.2.17, the expressions and reactions on the receiving end of those that I told. It was agony. It is an echo of sound that I will never forget. The faces of my children in shock and despair, ALL OF IT I still remember. I will never forget. 

For these last few weeks, I have sat in my car and wept, stood up late and wept, been at my office desk and wept. Just has been a difficult time. 

I was leading worship a week ago and on my way to practice I had a trigger moment. I saw a car accident on the side of the road that brought me back to April 2nd so quickly. I was in complete tears to the point of almost pulling over. I remember the pictures, remember seeing the after math of the Acura, I remember wishing it was all a dream and it actually being a reality. It was as if a weight on grief hit me harder than Normal. I started to pray and pray and pray. Folks that’s all I know how to do especially when this happens. Jesus brought me through it before he will do it again, he never fails me! And then as I was praying I was reminded of the Worship set that I was bringing before the congregation on Sunday. I was declaring the victory of Christ, I was confessing that He is the very foundation on which I stand and I was affirming the joy that only He gives! Jesus truly paid it all for me and for that I am eternally grateful! He paid it all – grief, anxiety, pain, sickness, everything! I shared with the team before we started, in all transparency what happened on the way to practice. I needed them to understand that even though we are leaders, it doesn’t mean that we won’t go through the valley. Doesn’t mean we won’t have hard day. I encouraged them that emotions can be something the enemy uses to detour us from the goal. And the goal on that practice night and for Sunday was to usher in the presence of God with Joy. We were praying for miracles, praying for the broken. Praying for healing. We needed to remain focused on our mission. 

See when Anthony left this earth, my heart was shattered. I was in pieces and I truly needed Jesus to mend me up! My life could have stopped. I could have stopped living in my calling, my purpose, stopped living for my children BUT God! I write it again… BUT GOD! He sustained me, he kept me. He didn’t leave me, he didn’t forsake me. God showed me that even though tragedy hit, and it hit hard… He was not finished with me so I can’t be done. There was still so much more that He had in store for me and my beautiful family. Thank God He didn’t allow me to give up. It was not finished for me. I still had so much on this earth to accomplish and still do. I am forever grateful for my new beginning, Jason – a man with such a steadfast spirit!  I am forever grateful for my sweet Alaia, a baby that reminds me each day of the importance of Joy! The growth of my children as they walk hand in hand with Jesus and so many other things that God has graced me with. 

Today marks 5 years and I pray the Grace of God over my children who lost their daddy and are still coping with this, my family and friends who miss him madly and myself who every day copes with the loss of her best friend. 5=Grace… and that is what I am standing on His Grace.