5 Years Today 

Today marks the fifth year mark of life being so drastically different. It has been such an interesting journey up until this point.  

I have had so many great moments and so many challenging ones and I know that I was only able to get through the challenging ones with the help of Jesus and be okay to enjoy the good ones with the help of Jesus. I don’t know if that makes sense but to me it’s such a deep statement. 

My family and loved ones have been such great support systems even when they themselves were not sure how to manage the situation. Who ever expects to walk through an experience like this so young? They don’t teach it in Sunday bible school or in Grammar school. How can you even start to know what to do or how to help, what to say and what not to say. They are doing the best they can and I am grateful. 

This year just feels so different from the others. Leading up to today my heart has just been in such a sensitive place.  I have experienced so many triggers these last 2-3 weeks than I normally do. Yes I still have trigger moments, yes I still weep, yes I still miss him dearly!

I can still see and hear all the expressions and emotions from so many! I remember them as clear as yesterday! The phone calls I had to make on 4.2.17, the expressions and reactions on the receiving end of those that I told. It was agony. It is an echo of sound that I will never forget. The faces of my children in shock and despair, ALL OF IT I still remember. I will never forget. 

For these last few weeks, I have sat in my car and wept, stood up late and wept, been at my office desk and wept. Just has been a difficult time. 

I was leading worship a week ago and on my way to practice I had a trigger moment. I saw a car accident on the side of the road that brought me back to April 2nd so quickly. I was in complete tears to the point of almost pulling over. I remember the pictures, remember seeing the after math of the Acura, I remember wishing it was all a dream and it actually being a reality. It was as if a weight on grief hit me harder than Normal. I started to pray and pray and pray. Folks that’s all I know how to do especially when this happens. Jesus brought me through it before he will do it again, he never fails me! And then as I was praying I was reminded of the Worship set that I was bringing before the congregation on Sunday. I was declaring the victory of Christ, I was confessing that He is the very foundation on which I stand and I was affirming the joy that only He gives! Jesus truly paid it all for me and for that I am eternally grateful! He paid it all – grief, anxiety, pain, sickness, everything! I shared with the team before we started, in all transparency what happened on the way to practice. I needed them to understand that even though we are leaders, it doesn’t mean that we won’t go through the valley. Doesn’t mean we won’t have hard day. I encouraged them that emotions can be something the enemy uses to detour us from the goal. And the goal on that practice night and for Sunday was to usher in the presence of God with Joy. We were praying for miracles, praying for the broken. Praying for healing. We needed to remain focused on our mission. 

See when Anthony left this earth, my heart was shattered. I was in pieces and I truly needed Jesus to mend me up! My life could have stopped. I could have stopped living in my calling, my purpose, stopped living for my children BUT God! I write it again… BUT GOD! He sustained me, he kept me. He didn’t leave me, he didn’t forsake me. God showed me that even though tragedy hit, and it hit hard… He was not finished with me so I can’t be done. There was still so much more that He had in store for me and my beautiful family. Thank God He didn’t allow me to give up. It was not finished for me. I still had so much on this earth to accomplish and still do. I am forever grateful for my new beginning, Jason – a man with such a steadfast spirit!  I am forever grateful for my sweet Alaia, a baby that reminds me each day of the importance of Joy! The growth of my children as they walk hand in hand with Jesus and so many other things that God has graced me with. 

Today marks 5 years and I pray the Grace of God over my children who lost their daddy and are still coping with this, my family and friends who miss him madly and myself who every day copes with the loss of her best friend. 5=Grace… and that is what I am standing on His Grace.

20 Comments on “5 Years Today 

  1. Beautiful!
    Daniel and I have been walking through such a difficult place and the last couple of days have been hard.
    I really needed to read this.
    Thank you Pastor!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love you Carla and believe in what God has in store for you and Daniel! Don’t loose focus. Stay strong and know that there is more He wants to do through you both! I love you always!!!


  2. Very heartfelt!! Thank you for sharing and bearing your heart ♥️I know this is not easy or will it ever be. Agree with you in every way “BUT GOD!” He has such a big purpose for you— its so great! I am grateful to see this through! God is still rebuilding your family as He is ours. We have such amazing family here… even looking our lineage we see Anthony in them daily! Your son Ezekiel— my son Sammy. Even as they walk talk smile make expressions I think all the time— there he is too. Imagine that just being a person reflecting but how God is reflecting in us all— our walk talk smile and expressions, God is in them helping us every day to do great things together! Love this, love you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amen sis! Thank you for loving me and being available 24/7. Literally!!! I can see how God is moving and keeping the family! I too can see soo much of Ant in both Boys! It’s Crazy!!! And I wouldn’t have it any other way!!! It’s out gift on this earth and I am so grateful that God allowed that …. Your right sis! Love it and I love you always and forever ♥️♥️


  3. Thank you for sharing your journey! I’ve always admired how genuine and transparent you are! Your experience encourages me. You are a Lioness indeed. Still impacting and encouraging through your pain! … But God!!! The Best is YET to come! I love you 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Titi Rosa.. God will give you the strength to conquer one day at a time. He can give you the peace that you need for each second of the journey. We love you sooo much! Praying always.


  4. You are inspiration to a lot of people including myself, you’ve taught everyone that only God can give you strength only God can sustain you especially in tragedy circumstances.
    Thank you for pouring out your heart, I feel all of your words as a love note from God.
    May God always continue to shine bright in your life, family and everyone you encounter.
    You are a God’s torch of love and strength! 💞

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am weeping with sadness and joy at the same time while reading this beautiful heartfelt blog. Hard to explain. I can testify those days were difficult to overcome. However, Seeing your God given strength and with God’s help the church and leaders were able to persevere. We all wanted you to be okay and wanted you to feel supported🙂 I think alot about you and the kids during this time of year. It’s hard to believe it’s been already 5 years since Pastor Tony went to be with the Lord. I pray for you and the kids. I admire you so much. I pray the Lord continue to bless you with an abundance of Joy, strength and favor. You are a trailblazer! The best is yet to come!
    I appreciate your transparency. Love you and the kids forever Pastor.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for standing by me in the time that I needed it the most. You truly mean the world to me. I love you forever and always


  6. My sweet friend and forever Pastor… today I can truly say, ILOVEYOU… we have seen the best and the worst of each other and still going strong.. it was an honor to have walked next to you through such a difficult time.. like you stated, a time that I did not know what to do, what to say, how to act, how to look at you, should I ring the house bell, should I just go home, should I , should I not UGHHHHHHH,
    I simply did not know….BUT GOD!!! Pastor Tony for ever my Pastor, I can still remember many of our conversations, disagreements, silly moments, and the times of non stop laughter… He had a true Pastor’s heart…
    Pastora Cristina
    I love you more than words can express my friend my Pastor.. MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • You truly knew. From knowing when I needed self care…dying my hair to knowing that I needed to get up and try….just being there. Letting me cry and scream and just be. Thank you for loving me in all my mess! I love you forever and always Maria. You truly were a huge part of my healing process. You put so much of you on hold to help me. You were so strong in moments that you too were grieving… but you didn’t budge in front of me. You stood there as a pillar when I needed you the most. Thank you. I will never forget it. I will never take that for granted! ♥️♥️♥️ love you to the heaven and back!


  7. Pastor Christina,
    I honor you and agree with all the others who have responded. It is a day we will never forget but thank God he has carried all of us through! Send my love to the kids and Jason. We miss you and love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Love you too! Yes and amen! God will carry us and it’s for His Glory. I miss you so much. Hugs and kisses to the family please ♥️


  8. This is so beautiful. I am so thankful for the faithfulness of our God. He saw you amid such tragedy – one that came suddenly – yet He said, “I’m not finished with you, daughter!” Great is His faithfulness! He is such a loving and compassionate Father; a faithful Comforter. I am so thankful to God for new beginnings and how He has been faithful in giving you and the kids just that! Joy truly comes in the morning! Praying for you and the kids and God our Healer continues to bring healing to each of you. Love you, sis!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. God bless you Pastora you’re a inspiration to all women. You’re fearless and God has more for you than what you’re expecting. We will always miss him and he wilo always live in our heart.

    Liked by 1 person

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