As I began to ponder on the phrase Broken. I began to think about something that was once whole and is now in pieces. I think of a once beautiful china plate and now only see a mess of glass and clay. A MESS!! And for me that is what I was, a mess. I am in no way saying that I am now perfect but there was a season in my life where nothing made sense. Not to me and not to anyone else. We all stood and pondered with the same question… but why.
I have learned over my difficult journey in life how to tap into the right resources. The right counseling, the right love, the right worship, the right friends. I have learned that God places amazing individuals by your side to help you go through the struggles, the WHYs, and the mess. I have also learned an amazing journey with Jesus in such a different way. A way of dependency, not only as my eternal father but also as my Jehova Ishi (My Husband). And I believe that this journey will just grow into so much more. I have seen and understood the hand of God in ways that I never would have if tragedy didn’t knock on my door that one day. Again I still am not able to understand the why, but I know the way maker and I know that He makes a way where no one can. He takes my brokenness and trades it for restoration.
What an amazing word – restoration. A word that I am learning to live through day by day and understanding the depth in that word. But one thing I learned and am in the process of doing is making a decision.
Yep – life is all about decisions and the most important decisions that I have had to make is: Will I stay broken forever? And will allow those around me to keep me broken? I don’t think that the Lord wants to see us in a state of brokenness forever. I believe that there is a process that we must go through while we are in the season we are in but do we choose to stay in the state of brokenness longer than needed?
I personally needed to say “no more!” … No more can I sit in a life that is no longer a reality. No longer do I sit in a place of setback, or not enough. No longer do I think about what should have, could have been or done better. I need to understand that purpose still breathes and lives in me.
In that understanding I needed to make decision to change certain things I do or things I hold on to that are no longer a reality. One decision I made was to stop wearing my wedding ring. WOW the looks I got, the confused faces, the judgement people portrayed. Some were happy I made that decision and others felt it was too soon. The one thing I can say and know is that every journey is different and every timetable is different. I remember sharing with friends that I would not take off my ring until I get married again! I had a tie to something that was no longer and it was so evident in what I was holding on to that in reality would not exist again with that person. And that my dear blogger is the ugly truth. At that time I wanted to hold on to so much, cars, clothes, etc. all these items and things that I thought would make the pain go away or bring me to a place of peace, but I realized that peace was not in those items. It needed to be in Jesus.
As I got stronger in the Lord and allowed Him to heal me I thought, keeping the ring on is that fair? Is that fair to me and is that fair to the future husband that will capture my heart one day? These are questions that I began to answer only as I made the decision to get stronger day by day.
The day came where my daily routine of placing that beautiful white gold diamond ring on my finger ceased. It hurt, don’t get me wrong it felt so different but it was something I was ready to do to get closer to restoration. It was my process moment. It was me letting go and letting God do a miracle in my life. It was me saying and admitting that God is a God of second chances.