Warning: This piece will be very raw and transparent.
Do I live again? This concept for me seems so difficult to swallow and truly accept. How can I live again when a part of me is no longer living? He was summoned home way too early. How do I live when the person that completed me is now completed in heaven but I on earth stay here searching for that completeness? There is such an emptiness when I have a quiet moment to just sit and think about what is no longer. I try not to have too many of those moments, as I can get lost in the emptiness. Yes, still after 14 months of counseling, prayer and fasting. (I told you – Transparency)
Please do not mistake me, I love the Lord with all my heart and He is the completion to my life. If it were not for my life with Jesus and my love for the Lord and His love for me I would not be here! Honestly – I would have never survived the accident!
But let’s be honest… when you meet someone here on this earth that knows you, you share life, you share children, you share the hard times and the great times that’s when you feel honored and there is a different type of completion that you experience. Now I can understand why Adam needed Eve. Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden but there was still something that God knew Adam needed/wanted and that was HIS Eve.
I was listen to a song by Tedashii “Gotta Live” and that truly made me think about really living. I am living and breathing on this earth but do I give myself a chance to really live again? Really smile again. He is no longer on this earth; my husband is in his Glory. Am I experiencing Glory here on earth? Am I allowing myself to heal and really Live? Past the disappointment and confusion do I live again? Do I allow myself to do that?
Last night I went out with my work family and it truly was a well needed and a different time. We normally do lunch/dinner. We have been there for each other for so many life experiences. Weddings, pregnancies, loss of husbands, new homes, kids’ birthday parties, our own birthday parties, promotions, the list goes on. It’s authentic and genuine. We have always been there to cry with each other and celebrate with each other – for that I am grateful. We have gone different directions career wise over the years, advancing and even finding other places of employment, but that has not stopped us from our reunion time. So it was time for us to have our reunion and we thought – we always do dinner and break bread together. We still want to eat (we love eating) but let’s do something different as well, let’s get creative. I love that we are all willing to be adventurous. Let’s go to Andretti Indoor Karting and Games and we went!
We had the time of our lives, we ate, we joked, we laughed so hard…we raced. as we did laps and the carts went around and around I felt a sense of being free, Wow! I love racing! I truly had a great time. After that, we all said our “see you at the next reunion”, got in our cars and started back to our homes. The Tedashii Song came on and I thought about the phrase living again… Am I really living again? Is it okay for me to smile again, laugh again, have fun like a teenager again without him? When adversities rise up am I fighter? am I willing to push past the pain? Am I willing to be happy again? Am I willing to smile again? Is that Okay? Do I really want to live again just like I depend on each breath that I take?
The answer was hard but…