Live Again

Warning: This piece will be very raw and transparent.

Do I live again? This concept for me seems so difficult to swallow and truly accept. How can I live again when a part of me is no longer living? He was summoned home way too early. How do I live when the person that completed me is now completed in heaven but I on earth stay here searching for that completeness?  There is such an emptiness when I have a quiet moment to just sit and think about what is no longer. I try not to have too many of those moments, as I can get lost in the emptiness. Yes, still after 14 months of counseling, prayer and fasting. (I told you – Transparency)

Please do not mistake me, I love the Lord with all my heart and He is the completion to my life. If it were not for my life with Jesus and my love for the Lord and His love for me I would not be here! Honestly – I would have never survived the accident!

But let’s be honest… when you meet someone here on this earth that knows you, you share life, you share children, you share the hard times and the great times that’s when you feel honored and there is a different type of completion that you experience. Now I can understand why Adam needed Eve.  Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden but there was still something that God knew Adam needed/wanted and that was HIS Eve.

I was listen to a song by Tedashii “Gotta Live” and that truly made me think about really living. I am living and breathing on this earth but do I give myself a chance to really live again? Really smile again. He is no longer on this earth; my husband is in his Glory. Am I experiencing Glory here on earth? Am I allowing myself to heal and really Live? Past the disappointment and confusion do I live again? Do I allow myself to do that?

Last night I went out with my work family and it truly was a well needed and a different time. We normally do lunch/dinner. We have been there for each other for so many life experiences. Weddings, pregnancies, loss of husbands, new homes, kids’ birthday parties, our own birthday parties, promotions, the list goes on. It’s authentic and genuine.  We have always been there to cry with each other and celebrate with each other – for that I am grateful. We have gone different directions career wise over the years, advancing and even finding other places of employment, but that has not stopped us from our reunion time. So it was time for us to have our reunion and we thought – we always do dinner and break bread together. We still want to eat (we love eating) but let’s do something different as well, let’s get creative. I love that we are all willing to be adventurous. Let’s go to Andretti Indoor Karting and Games and we went!

We had the time of our lives, we ate, we joked, we laughed so hard…we raced. as we did laps and the carts went around and around I felt a sense of being free, Wow! I love racing! I truly had a great time.  After that, we all said our “see you at the next reunion”, got in our cars and started back to our homes. The Tedashii Song came on and I thought about the phrase living again… Am I really living again? Is it okay for me to smile again, laugh again, have fun like a teenager again without him? When adversities rise up am I fighter? am I willing to push past the pain? Am I willing to be happy again? Am I willing to smile again? Is that Okay? Do I really want to live again just like I depend on each breath that I take?

The answer was hard but…

Yes!

 

8 Comments on “Live Again

  1. I absolutely loved this! I love transparency! Living again, living without, living in spite of, they are all hard to do but more than possible with Jesus. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love you Cris! This truly brought me to tears, made me smile both inside and out and makes me happy to read! You truly make me proud and regardless of what we have encountered if we are still on this earth we have to live, and continue moving forward as that is what both God and our late husband’s would want for us! I believe in you and know that you will continue to push forward even when it gets really hard. We have to do this for us and for our kids! I love you and will always be here for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lovely, this bought tears to my eyes. Struggling with my own “Do I Live”…the strength you carry and love. I pray for both of us to live again. Thank you for your inspiration and your beautiful way or looking at different situation. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lovely, It bought tears to my eyes. Fighting and facing the same ” Do I live”.. love your words and encouragement. I pray God continue to use you and heal your soul as well. It gave me some hope. Bless you Pastor !!!! Great and beautiful person.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Praying for us.. How can two people be living the same -I am living and breathing on this earth but do I give myself a chance to really live again? That sentences.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m proud of how far you have gone during your grieving process. It’s amazing to see you and know that I will get there too. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel (cliche). I do believe you wrote this, as if you were picking my brain. Especially if I smile and enjoy myself. Feeling guilty and sad at the same moment, for loving moments with Gierre he won’t be able to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You will get there. It’s a journey Gyann. Truly. I still have my moments and I believe that is perfectly Normal. We still need to live again and allow ourselves to feel joy here on earth. That’s hard. I love you and I am here with you!

      Like

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