Have you ever had that feeling of not being good enough? I have. This is my worst enemy! Over and over again I am reminded that I will not meet your complete expectations, what YOU expect of me. I will never be what YOU want me to be. I will never be that perfect person that everyone saw me as, or that I thought everyone saw me as. I will never be able to be the perfect Pastor, Wife (or now Widower), Mother, Mentor, Career woman, friend, sister, daughter, etc.
Is that okay? and am I okay with that? I have to ask myself that question over and over again. Am I okay with knowing that I will not be able to accomplish everything in a 16-hour work day. Yep I said 16 hours. For me I do not have a luxury of clocking out by 5PM and my day be filled with the gentle comfort of a couch and endless TV episodes. I transition many times from one responsibility to another without a second to even breath. I need to click into motherhood quickly – or at Flash speed and then once the kids are in bed, the Pastor hat comes on. Counseling, admin work, prayer time, devotional time, more counseling, more admin work and the pattern continues. Many times these roles are intertwined without proper transition times. Can you just imagine that whirlwind!
And in all that I have find room to stop and think, since there is still an expectation that haunts me and sits on my shoulders, is all that I am doing still good enough? Who did I fail in all of this? Who couldn’t I reach out to – as exhaustion creeps up on my body. What did I forget to order? or sign? or do?
Being a Pastor, Can I accept the fact that I have a group of individuals expecting me to be the best Pastor (or should I say the type of Pastor that they want me to be vs. the type of Pastor God has Called me to be)? Someone ELSE wants a meeting to advise me that “I am just not good enough” Raises and problem vs a solution and is disconnected… Hmm, I dropped the ball.
Being a Mother and Father, Can I accept the fact I am not able to be the perfect mother that my children’s’ teachers expect me to be? Missing the mark many times in their studies, forgetting to pack a lunch or iron the cloths for the next day or the BIG one of the year: forgetting that a 5th grade graduation is customary, so I obviously should have calculated the date and time on my own and of course, don’t forget, I should have invited the world. Yep dropped the ball AGAIN…
Being a Widower, Can I accept the fact that I am no longer a wife but I am now a widower? Can I accept the fact that He is gone and now I have to do this alone? Can I accept the fact that I am no longer that person that I and the world used to look at with envy and saw everything in its place and seemed untouchable? Nope that’s not me anymore. I am BROKEN. Can I accept that word that I HATE to embrace? I hate for anyone to even refer me as such.
All of this resounds like: Rejection…Rejection…Rejection. Rejection that others have towards me and now the rejection that I myself have placed over me. The “I am not good enough” feeling so let me reject what I am good at since I dropped the ball anyway. Is it all or nothing? Is it perfect or NONE? Is there half perfect? No, that would not be perfect, would it? Or can it still be?
The rejection of self hurts so much and there is so much to learn in this. One thing I need to understand is – Why are you so hard on yourself! Why do you allow the crowd to define you? Why are you bearing so much? (this is what Holy Spirit is putting on my heart). Why aren’t you breathing? Why aren’t you finding rest in me? Why aren’t you finding security in me? Why are you trying so hard to be a person for someone that YOU JUST ARE NOT!
When You seek Him in the private – he will reveal to you exactly who you are and exactly who you have been called to be. Will you make mistakes, YES. Will you drop the ball, yes. BUT once you know and understand who you are, moving past the failure will be quicker. Moving past the hurt will be easier. Seeing rejection will not feel as personal as the last person made you feel. You will learn a new meaning of ” Be Still and know that I am God!
Go back to your calling. Go back to what you are good at. Don’t be afraid to tell someone – that is just not who I am. Jesus understands your heart, He will equip you with what you need to finish the race with grace, love, faith, and strength. Stop trying to fit in the mold of someone that you are not.